Spelunking Through My Mind By Joe S. Thomas

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Today I had to throw myself into some kind of work to keep my mind off my mind if you know what I mean…  I began editing this journal from the absolute beginning…  I got 16 typed pages in and was so humiliated at the things that happened at the beginning of the year that I damn near wanted to throw my computer through the window…  When will I learn…  As I’ve stated, I will not change anything about what I’ve gone through and written about regardless of how much of an ass it makes me look or seem like…  If I did do such, today would have been the perfect day…  The main incident I’m speaking of involved a girl that I met through happenstance who ended up having a boyfriend and being one of the flakiest, fake, human beings I’ve personally ever come across…  I edited her name out to be safe but, good lord, I’m just embarrassed…  Of course when you’re going through these things the emotions are real, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say…  Boy is that shit ever true…  So I got 16 pages in and had to step away because it was just causing me to go spelunking even deeper into the bullshit of my life and mind…  I sure hope this whole thing isn’t an exercise in futility…  I really want to do something with this work because I feel there are some good spots, good writing and some decent lessons to be learned hidden within…  I can tell editing is going to be a more painful process than I had once believed it was going to be…  Just personally, not that the work is hard…  I’m sure there are going to be days where I get pissed off, embarrassed and god only knows what other emotions will come as I deal with this thing…  As I said, sixteen pages down and so far I have 349 typed pages and I will continue to document until the end of December…  Yeash…  Could be a long month, friends…  There are a lot of things that I’m sure need to be revisited and I’m sure there are things that I’ve forgot even happened…  Either way, I suppose we’ll see…  The whole thing with the flaky girl was just too much tonight…  My face is so red it could light up your house right now, I’m sure…  Live and learn I suppose…  I hope we all get through this month as smoothly as we can…  Be safe and take care of each other the best you can…  Thank you for taking the time to read…