Addiction, Cancer, Life & Death By Joe S. Thomas

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I had one of my spastic, wake-up abruptly, panic moments the other day and something’s been on my mind since…  It’s been hanging over me like a cloud that I can’t seem to shake…  It’s been with me for a while honestly…  There have been many crises within the crisis that is often what I call my life…  The one that’s been bothering me as of late has to do with my sister’s death and her long battle with a pain pill addiction…  I do not judge, I have struggled myself…  In fact, there were times when we would give each other what we needed to get through the day…  However, when I straightened up and got away from those things, she never did and then time ran out…  When her Cancer came back there was a feeling within me that seemed like she almost didn’t mind it at times because that was a real reason to get the heaviest of heavy pain medications and use them to her heart’s desire…  It was like she was telling everyone, See, I need these…  I know that sounds absolutely horrible and I know that nobody could actually want Cancer…  However, the joy  that seemed to come with a new prescription of pills was enough to make me sick once I’d gotten away from all of that stuff…  I loved my sister…  We were very different people, but we came from the same fucked-up place…  We often fought, but at the end of the day she would do anything for me and I had her back as well…  This June (2024) will be the one year anniversary of her passing…  I’m still staying in her home due to rent prices being so high that I can’t afford a place of my own at the moment…  Every single day I see reminders of her, good and bad, that often fuck with me and the way I feel about everything involving this place and her family…  I really don’t know where to take these feelings and I really have nobody to talk to about them that I feel could possibly understand…  I don’t even think I have any friends left…  If I do, they never call or come by…  It is what it is I suppose…  I don’t feel comfortable here and never have, therefore I never ask anyone to come by, but I sure miss a shoulder occasionally…  Especially with the hard stuff like this conundrum…  I hate the feeling…  It makes me feel like a bad person for having these thoughts, but I’m just trying to work this out openly and honestly in my own heart…  I have to live with it after all…  I hope that you can’t understand what I’m talking about because the pain that it often brings is enough to drive one crazy…  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone…  It would be nice to have someone, anyone tell me that they understand and that maybe she would even understand if we could all be honest about everything…  I wish she were still around so we could talk it out, but those times are gone and they’ll never be again…  These are the kinds of conversations that I could have with her and though she may get angry with me for an hour or two, we’d always work it out and give one another a solemn hug…  I fucking hate pain pills…  I wish I’d never laid eyes on the fucking things…  Thanks for reading if you made it to the bottom…  If you have issues with abusing medications and need a shoulder, I can be here if you feel you can’t speak to anyone else about it…  It’s horrible to fall prey to those damn things and I hope you never do…  There’s help out there if you need it…  Don’t be afraid to ask…  Thanks…