My Sensitivity and Alcoholism By Joe S. Thomas

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Though many probably have no clue about it, I was as a child, and am as a man, a sensitive human being…  I’m shamed easily, I have little to no self worth or self esteem and I find nothing at all special about myself…  And that’s fine…  The reason I’m saying these things is because other than the genetic leanings I had toward alcoholism, I believe these things led to the years of drinking that I dealt with…  I dealt with so much depression and especially anxiety for some reason that I often could not and certainly would not leave my home without the aid of alcohol making me feel like a normal human being…  Without it, I wouldn’t speak to friends, family, or anyone in general…  I would sit, shake and suffer alone…  Thoughts flashing so quickly, nervously and out of control…  Drinking gave me what I needed to partake in the little bit of life I would participate in…  If I didn’t have alcohol, I would have tremors (that I still have to this day) and panic attacks so bad that I would often find myself thinking I was having a heart attack and going to the emergency room only to be told nothing was wrong with me…  The frustration would lead me back to the bottle telling myself doctors are useless and all I needed was alcohol…  There was a time in my life (around the age of 15) that I was prepared to drink every single day of my life just to keep from feeling the absolute hell that this panic and depression would cause every sober, waking moment…  It was truly maddening…  The sad thing was eventually when the drinking would become really bad, the nervousness and pain would make the hangovers so bad that if I wasn’t lying in bed freaking out, recovering and waiting for my body to be able to take in more alcohol, I would indeed have some sort of bottle glued to my wretched mouth to ward off these shakes, the crawling skin and for some reason the pain of being human that I just could not take…  At a very early age, I learned to become what I would call a functioning alcoholic…  In fact, the very first job I ever had at the age of 16 I interviewed drunk and stayed that way as I cooked food and did dishes for a seafood restaurant making just enough money to put gas in my 77 Thunderbird, purchase cigarettes and have one of my older friends purchase alcohol for me…  Then repeat…  Daily…  I couldn’t see it, but it was sad…  At the time I thought with everything that I am that this would be my life…  It was for years…  Eventually I would join punk rock bands where this behavior was the norm and though it caused problems, nobody said a fucking word…  If they did, I would drop them before I would the alcohol for certain…  I suppose I should dedicate the rest of my life to my liver…  For good or ill…  Maybe I will write a little more about this at a future date…  Right now it’s dragging me down and depressing me to think of all the years wasted due to this behavior so I’m going to step away for a few…  May you all take care of yourselves and stay healthy in your bodies and minds…  Until later…