Reaching By Joe S. Thomas

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There was a time not so long ago really in the scheme of things when I drank way too much and took drugs…  I did these things to forget…  I did these things in an attempt to feel like a normal human being whose nerves have been ripped to shreds since the age of sixteen…  I got married early, had two beautiful daughters, straightened up, got a divorce and then started the alcohol and drug cycle all over again…  Same trouble with the nerves, but this time add the guilt of not being compatible with the horrific person who I asked for through some mirage of a marriage and the guilt of not being able to be the father I wanted to be and the father my girls needed me to be…  It doesn’t take long for these things to get extremely overwhelming…  Working two jobs and going to school part time to attempt to get a leg up on a real career and not just a shitty job that allowed me to pay child support and have some semblance of a life proved to be too much for my anxiety and depression ridden mind…  This led to several years of self abuse, physical and mental as well as the abuse of the substances I mentioned…  In ways, I’m doing better now…  I no longer drink or do drugs, but the guilt of not being the father my kids needed rides me to the ground every day of my life…  Sometimes I think I’m going to reach for those substances, but something keeps me from doing so…  I can’t really tell you what that something is…  The pain is unbearable…  It would be easy to reach…  I think my self hate would just become too much and then there’s just no telling if and when or how that situation would end up playing out…  Perhaps that’s what keeps me from reaching…  Here lately, the temptations have been strong…  Just the fact of having nobody in my life to turn to and speak about these things with is enough to make one start thinking about it…  I know it’s a weak way to go…  There’s no doubt in my mind about that…  I despise weakness in myself…  It’s just too much…  However, lately, I feel nothing but weak…  Weak and angry…  A very bad combination I need to avoid at all costs…  I’ll keep hanging on because that’s the only choice I have…  I never want to feel like I did back then…  I feel bad enough…  I just attempt to take things as they come and hang on a little bit longer because that’s all I know how to do…  I hope for things to change…  I hope to make things change…  Once I figure out that formula, perhaps things will turn around…  Until then, well…  I’ll watch where I reach…