Reading “Molly” By Joe S. Thomas

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I’m reading a book that’s breaking my heart…  It’s also making me relate wholeheartedly to a beautiful person that chose to take her life…  The book is : Molly.  It was written by her husband Blake Butler…  My heart does go out to him, yet my heart goes out even more so to Molly for some reason…  Perhaps because I can relate to many of the feelings she had that led her to make the choices she ultimately made…  It seemed she was so fearless in her act that it almost frightens me…  I hope I never get that fearless about the subject…  It wouldn’t be a good thing…  I just had a poem come flying out of me about Molly and I’ve been finding myself thinking of her and how much I would have liked to meet her in the flesh…  She was so talented and beautiful, but apparently so profoundly hurt from or by her father, her life and perhaps some mental illness…  I want to wrap my arms around her and let her know she’s not alone…  I truly do…  However, it’s too late and there’s nothing worse than that…  I felt selfish, jealous and honestly hurt by a section of the book I just read…  The section was how Molly’s husband, Blake’s friends truly took care of him, asking him to move in with them, helping him to pack and taking care of every single thing he truly needed at the time from human beings who are truly his friends and didn’t even have to be asked or prodded…  It seems to me people such as Molly and dare I say even myself have never known such love and friendship and I believe that’s a lot of the problem and why she did what she did and why I myself think about it so much…  I really didn’t want to make this about me, but when my ex kicked me out of our home, the only place I’ve ever felt even remotely comfortable in my own skin, she told me she still loved me and would always care for me, yet we haven’t spoken a single word in over four years…  When that relationship ended, a huge part of my life did as well…  I’m still trying to recover and I’m failing miserably…  I can’t get ahead of it emotionally, financially, spiritually or any other way you care to take a look at the situation…  The thing that really bothered me about that time was even though she didn’t die, that part of my life and that relationship that kept me grounded and somewhat normal did…  And the worst part perhaps is that not a single person I thought I had as friends attempted to help me in any way at all barring my friend Jerry and he could only do so much…  However, I’m eternally grateful for the love he was able to show in his own way…  The fact that nobody came to me and attempted to even see if I was ok or would be ok hurt almost as much as the debacle of everything ending between her and I…  I’ve truly had to re-evaluate who and what I considered a friend and what that term means…  The saddest part seems to be I don’t really have any…  Nobody calls, texts or reaches out in any way…  Ever…  And I was even dumb enough to show my vulnerability at times…  It seemed to be the same after my sister died, only cementing the facts about the so-called friends I once thought had my back and would attempt to help me as I would them when life got to be too much…  They just never showed up and still haven’t…  A lot of the people I considered good friends have passed away and I feel that those are the ones who would have truly tried to reach out knowing the shape I was/am in…  It’s just painful…  It sucks to know that I still have a lot of pain to go through in this life and apparently it’s going to have to be done alone…  I’m glad I read the section in Molly that pointed out what true friendship and love looks like…  Once again, it put things in perspective with a sharp jab of truth and pain… May you have the ones you need in life when the rough times start coming…  It can truly help in ways you never even consider until the chips are down and you’re damn near too far gone…